i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
