My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
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