Betty ford says i'm here all night
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
