I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I need a burrito and a hug.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Randomize
