my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
