She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
