He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
