i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
