i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
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i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
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I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.