He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.