i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug