mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
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So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment