Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
