I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
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