Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Randomize
