FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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