Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
