Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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