I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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