i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
