Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
