There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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