census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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