apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
