Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
