Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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