She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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