well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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