The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
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Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
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You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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