I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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