i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Randomize
