I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
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She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
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Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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