Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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