Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Everything about him screamed your future.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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