You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
