I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
