We won't sleep together?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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