So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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