I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
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