you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
