you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Randomize
