Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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