Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
