Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
