last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
