I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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