She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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