Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
