we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
