Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
