if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
