when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
