Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Someone came in the potted fern
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
