I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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