I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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