he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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