Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
