thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
