I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
