Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
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My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
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the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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