His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
