Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
