if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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