I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
